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I came up with some very cute lyrics on my drive back from Richardson. It's just something that hasn't happened in a bit sadly, coming up with lyrics that I readily warm to, so it makes me giddy.
That's all... : ) Current Mood:  chipper |
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It's ridiculous. I've been lying in bed for hours now and can't seem to fall asleep. My best trick involves staring at the speckles, colors, and shapes you see when you close your eyes... but it's not working. I think it may be all of these CA thoughts. I'm going to do it, but I'm trying hard to figure out which college will be right for me (especially considering I've had such shitastic luck picking in the past). To me, the culture I'm surrounded with as I attend college (which will no doubt affect me for the rest of my life) is just as important as the college itself. This is why I suppose I'm so focused on San Francisco well known for its lush culture. Some of the SF options look like good choices, but I'm starting to realize I may be limiting myself too much. Should I allow for LA possibilities?
If I could live over again and again, I would. I'd be a musician, a designer, a writer, a sculptor, a club owner... Why do I feel like I'm running out of time when I'm only 19? How do I choose when I want to do it all? Perhaps I should choose a few of my favorites and try to get around to all of them before I'm done? Would that take away from my proficiency in the individual facets?
"And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend" Current Music: Suede- Dog Man Star |
It's a little weird being back after a week of house/cat-sitting for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bazzer, coming back to my soon-not-to-be-home. There's a note on my desk from my mom saying she had to go to bed b/c she has to wake up early. "I hope I see you tomorrow- I have some things to apologize for and some things I'd like to discuss." It's really sweet that she's going to try and make peace, which I'm sure will be made, but I'm hoping she takes it ok when I let her know I'm still moving out.
We clearly need to be apart and I hope she understands. She's not getting home from work until 5 and I have class at 7, so I may not get the chance to talk to her, but I've decided it's best to warn her now(or ASAP) rather than spring it on her when I've found the job to sustain my elsewhereabouts and I'm already packing.
I had a vague idea/goal. Get a business degree. Eventually open a much needed indie club in Dallas. But the other day listening to horrifying statistics on TX pollution and welfare I remembered/realized ( was suddenly struck with the fact that?) I don't want to end up in TX.
These days I look at my shadow and I'm quite intrigued/entertained by it. In it I see the me that's so much closer to what I want to be. What happened to the EverQuest dork? The fat kid with nothing but loneliness and a good grasp of chemistry (and of course knowledge of the best place to hunt at level 30)? I've changed for the better it seems, and I have much more changing to do before it's done, and that makes me happy, just happy. I believe people can change, do you?Current Mood: calm Current Music: Random |
I thought I heard the air conditioning making funny noises, but no, I said to myself, deciding 'twas just normal annoying AC goings-on.
But I changed my mind when the air coming from the vent began to smell of burnt vacuum belts. Yes, the AC's down and out.
Looks like I'll be starting up the window unit and sleeping on the couch next to it.
On a brighter note, I've now exercised everyday this week so far (since Monday... minus Wednesday[comic book day]). I've created some sort of vague goal of becoming fit. Luckily it's vague to the point of immaterialism, near to the point of nonexistence (like most of my goals) so when I fail to reach it I can reassure myself by saying I hadn't been going for anything at all really. No, really.
Other note: I'm falling farther behind in comics. The pile gets larger/more daunting, and I keep finding other things to do. Of course there are a few series I can't help but read as soon as I get the chance, but the keyword here is few.Current Mood: content Current Music: random |
...I was going to give up on posting on LJ because I don't really do much on here anyway... and sometimes it's just so frustrating trying to put thoughts into words...
And a few weeks back I had yet another amazing show experience...and just couldn't write about it, but here goes.
The band... (oh wait, by the way I'm discussing Tilly and the Wall)... had such a fun, quirky personality. Failed piñata smashing, discussion of stolen "shakers," warm welcomes for aid from other bands' members, cute indie garb, tap dancing, and the oh so touchable keyboardist(he can play my keyboard anytime). The lyrics are so tangible, always making me feel as though I've personally experienced them, or know that guy or that girl they're singing about(I swear I have/do). The liveliness and power of the show completely surpassed the limits of the acoustic set they use(how do they do it?). Wow, and the feeling that consumed me when I broke loose and danced like the silly fag that hides inside.
The perfect finale: Nights of the Living Dead. A whole crowd screaming, "I wanna fuck it up!" "I feel so alive!" I forget I even can scream.
That's what really catches me. Not many things in life really turn me on (emotionally, pervert... yes, you). When I hear these bands that just get to me, I guess it rings especially deep simply because it often takes so much for me to even hear the bell. And to turn me into a complete ball of unstable jubilation, how dare!Current Mood: tired/chipper |
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I decided I'd just go out and poke around town by myself. Most of my time I spent driving, getting lost, finding myself and then getting lost again (while listening to Rilo Kiley and Tilly and the Wall). Good times.
5:30pm - Bye mom.
1:15am - Hey mom. "So did you meet someone or something?" Oh no. If I had I'd be a lot later, trust me. "Gah!" Sorry, you kinda set yourself up for that one...
Excursion items: iPod, Red Bull, Tales of the City, gum, fag bag.
Jul. 14th, 2006 @ 01:42 am
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| » Quieted |
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Well, the new menu meeting was not so bad and they've added some tasty items. And my discussion with my manager wasn't bad either...
Things have been cleared up. Apparently he just printed up the schedule without checking it, and this is why I was screwed over (blame the robots of course). So now I've arranged for 5 shifts total for this coming week and when asked how many shifts I'm going to be receiving on average he said 5 at least, probably more. Which is good, because that's what I need/planned on working, 5+. So now I must tell restaurant B's manager he will have to find a different "young, pretty face."
Yes, it's fairly disquieting that the manager didn't even check the computer generated printed schedule, and that I heard him admit that we're over-staffed now, but he responded well to my complaints and told me what I wanted to hear (with honesty? I'm not sure).
I know how it's supposed to be; I've heard about and I've read about it. But things go awry.
I just hope things don't fall into further chaotic and unpleasant disarray.
Jun. 4th, 2006 @ 12:37 pm
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| » I Don't Fight |
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It takes a good bit to get me riled.
I'm riled.
We'll call them restaurants A and B...
At A, I was asked to train for for 5 days, and each night after class/morning before class I had to study for the next quiz. On the first day I was told that the hostesses were Mexican racists as my fellow trainees made racial comments such as: Her boyfriend is so ghetto! "Yeah? Is he black or white and really ghetto?"
Day 2 was Quiz 1. I was one of the few people that was actually prepared. Not that it mattered for them, as my trainer proceeded to give them all the answers... and continued to do so for all 4 quizzes.
Post-training, I'm ready to work. I've had one shift, made ok money, especially considering I was cut down from 4 tables down to 2.
Last night I call and ask when I could work again. "How 'bout tomorrow night?" Sure. I come in and they already have too many servers setup to work; no work for me tonight. Oh, you put on ridiculous clothing and drove 20min? Sorry, see you later >_<
The schedule is ready for next week...
I'm on... on for 2 shifts, on weekdays. All of my fellow trainees: on for 3 to 4 shifts, all with at least one good weekend shift. Who did the best on the final and was the only one who didn't cheat on the quizzes? I tried to broach the topic of scheduling with one of the three managers that all attempt to run the show simultaneously. "Oh talk to So-and-So, he does scheduling."
Restaurant B: Manager actually came running after me as I was leaving because he needed someone new (someone else just got fired for illegal jackassery). Even though I didn't contact him for a week, he called me. He'd start me out as a host (this is why I went to restaurant A) and train me for a server position as I worked as host, starting out with at least 5 shifts. Yes, these "chasing" measures have something to do with the fact that he finds me attractive, but do I care? No, I really don't.
Talking to manager at restaurant A tomorrow, and depending on how things go I may be working at B by the end of the week or at both.
Jun. 3rd, 2006 @ 07:04 pm
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| » Loving You Long Time |
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Watched Garden State again earlier today. Got a lil' teary eyed...
But I don't believe in the sort of relationship that develops between the main character + girl. It seems they form a strong mutual dependency; don't get me wrong, I believe this type of relationship exists, I've seen it. What I don't believe is that's what I'm looking for. I like the idea of two persons separate and able that strongly complement each other, rather than one completes the other + vice versa.
But I also have the romantic part of me. The part that thinks love may exist, that stupid ridiculous stereotypical "love." But this type of love would call for mutual wantings and needings of extreme potency, and the question would be raised of how much of this is chemicals?
Honestly at the moment I don't care too much. I'm still in school and currently have no chance of meeting anyone anywho.
But it's funny, not a serious relationship in site and I already sense relationship issues.
boyfriend: "You don't love me!"
me: "I love you, I just don't understand why you can't breathe without me."
"You just use me for sex!"
"Well, you are pretty hot."
"Heartless slut!"
"That's not what you were saying last night..."
*slap*
*door slam*
-
It seems like an in between would make sense; somewhere between "I can't live without you" and "Well, you're nice to have around," but in between, would I classify that as love?
The minorly intellectual half says no to the crazies and attempts to stomp out all quixotic tendencies, but I know me and know that the gushy half of my brain and my body may say yes.
Wait... yes, I have it.
Extreme caring, good sex, some similar interests, individualism, no mutual dependency. Ok, now that I think I know what I want, where do I buy? Is this a delivery, or does this deal require curbside pickup? Could I sample first or rent?
May. 19th, 2006 @ 12:43 am
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| » "In conclusion..." |
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I suppose since I'm being myself this means I've changed? And yes, for the better. Although, damn, I could drink me some alcohol. (It's clear not all changes so easily, such as self doubt (for example my last post)).
~unrelated~
-alarm set for 9:00AM
-wake up at 10:30AM and don't get out of bed because I'm waiting for the alarm to go off
-at 11:00AM realize the alarm went off long ago and must've turned it off
-coffee
May. 12th, 2006 @ 11:40 am
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| » Script or Truth? |
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Life's a bit confusing.
Apparently I'm nothing I was. Mom: "Yeah, you once told me you couldn't understand how people get into music."
How could I say these words? But I did, I suppose. When I listened to music it was depressing. I never left my house. I used to drain the time with EverQuest. I used to drink the world away. I used to do drugs. I used to hate myself.
Am I just writing another piece, creating a character that I like? Are there somethings that can't be changed? If I fall away and grow anew, does it make me better or worse? Do I respect my ability to truly change, to be closer to what I want to be, or do I find it disgusting because I'm not being myself? Am I changing inside or just changing masks?
Is someone lying? Is someone faking it? Or is someone breaking free?
May. 11th, 2006 @ 07:01 pm
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| » Could It Be Time? |
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I'm feeling so much better now that I'm out of A&M. I'm not even moved back in yet and should be stressed about the mess, but I can't help feeling better. Maybe it's the positive things that are occurring, or maybe it's just the psychological boost of being out.
Good news!
Four of my five grades have now been posted online. All four are As; apparently the dork in me refuses to die out. Now I'm just waiting on my film grade.
I visited California Pizza Kitchen for a quick interview today and will be meeting soon for another interview with a different manager (fun, used my intro psych knowledge and mocked his body language to aid my chances). However, I also stopped in at the Black-eyed Pea in the gayborhood tonight because I never saw the manager last Sunday when I turned in my application. The host told me to come back tomorrow between two and four ("that's when he usually likes to see people"), but as I was walking out and away from the restaurant the manager came running out, called me back, told me he'd just "let two people go," asked if I had any experience (no), and said "Oh, well then we'll start you out slow" and "Come and see me tomorrow at 4:30." I'd rather work at CPK, but we'll see which one works out.
May. 11th, 2006 @ 12:23 am
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| » I'm Ending You! |
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I'm so fucking done.
Done with this place.
And it's lack of culture.
Lack of inspiration.
Lack of intelligent/intriguing gays.
Lack of what I'm looking for.
Damn, I don't know what's coming, but it's going to be great to be gone.
Time to pack and floor it.
May. 9th, 2006 @ 11:57 am
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| » Because I Can (Procrastinate) |
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The laundry's going. I'm out of comics to read. I took all my books home already as well as my dvds. This means I should be studying, but I just don't feel like it. Don't have any classes tomorrow through Thurs, so it can wait.
Watched Shadow of the Vampire tonight for Film. It was effective/affective. Had me laughing at the beginning and then totally creeped out at the end. Malkovich = perfect for the role.
The year's almost over. That was the last film viewing. And this was my last day of normal classes. These are my last days in College Station. Believe it or not, I am going to miss something: a few people. A few people I didn't get to know as well as I wanted to. This happened because I felt transient at about one month into my experience here. Then again, I don't usually get too close to people anyway; the closer I get the easier it is for them to poke me in the eyes.
So what am I doing? Where am I going? As usual, I don't really know, just going along for the ride at the moment; although, my transitory state has kept me from much riding. If SMU comes through with some sort of merit scholarship, I'll go there. If not, I'll go to UTD/UNT, whichever seems more fitting. Or maybe I'll take a break.
Time's up: laundry switch.
May. 1st, 2006 @ 10:27 pm
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| » Not Even Skin Deep |
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Being the genius I am I forgot all of my shirts at home. I have about three shirts with me that happened to be in my collection of dirty clothes I brought back and two colored undershirts which can pass as outershirts. Luckily most people are entering finals mode and everyone will be looking like lazy slobs anyway.
Apparently I have my government final on Monday the 8th. I was under the impression it was next Monday, but no. Oh well; just wanted to get it done before CAPE, but not biggie.
Oh! Yesterday I found a way to style my hair with the cut the stylist did this past weekend. I am definitely temporarily canceling all plans of growing out my hair longer, because, yes, I actually like it the way it is. It's fun, but not over-the-top flaming. It also has no prissy factor which I've discovered was my main problem with the way she had styled it. Seems like it's been months since I've been happy with my hair.
Oh, yes. Have my psych final (noncumulative) tomorrow so I 'spose I should go shower and get to bed. More sleep = better memory function.
Apr. 27th, 2006 @ 12:48 am
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| » No Fit |
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This is quite weird. My mom has gone to AZ as has my dad now. Feeling of being 'off' in a house that's too big for one. Anti-cozy. I miss my little room back at college, but definitely not missing Closet Station as a whole. The quiet's nice either way.
Had my hair cut today. Haven't had a haircut in about a month and a half I think? Anyways, it looks ok. It might be a little too crazy/fun for me. I'm thinking if I keep the front as is and style the back the way I'd do it it'll look better than decent, maybe even good? It also looks too similar to a friend's hairstyle and doesn't seem to fit on my head to boot. Oh, hah, and the stylist definitely used a flatiron. I'm a college student. In other words not very motivated to spend money on a flatiron in the first place, and no way in hell I'd have the time in the mornings.
Finals are on their way. Not sure what got into me, but I slacked off and now I'm behind in reading for government, film, horticulture, and psychology.
Oh damn, can't forget. Have to 'break a social norm' this weekend and write about it. Not sure what to do. In the past people have stood 'the wrong way' on elevators (facing away from the door), or sat close to people on the bus when there's plenty of room to spread out.
But yes... must read, must do aforementioned psyc assignment...
Apr. 22nd, 2006 @ 02:48 pm
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| » Long Sleeves for the Summer |
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Grr. I thought I had finished my design project two weekends ago. I go into class today because I think it's due. No, but she does have comments. "Well, you could probably change this... oh, and you could..." So the time I was going to take to catch up in psych, gov, hort, and film now must be used to refinish my project. "Oh, you don't have to make the changes you know..." Yeah right bitch, I know your tricks.
On good days her voice sounds like the original Mickey Mouse voice, and on bad days such as today the unpleasantly high voice gives me one damn big headache. It seems like every time my workload reaches maximum level, my room reaches maximum messiness; chaos I tell you, chaos.
Reminder to self: Just three more weeks and I'm done here. And if I keep it together, things will be easier in the future.
On a less bitchy note...
Bought six new shirts this past weekend. Had done some spring cleaning about a month ago and got rid of things that no longer fit or were 'just old.' Little did I realize that the few shirts I left myself were mostly long sleeve. But now I actually own short sleeve shirts. Shorts are next on the list. I'm a fan of pants (closer to my personal style), but when you're walking around on campus they get quite toasty. Sometimes fashion must suffer for the sake of being practical.
Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 03:36 pm
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| » 3 Fragments |
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Currently watching live performance on MSN site by the Gorillaz. Although I listen to them on occasion, in general hip-hop is one of my turn offs. However, not all of their songs have that heavy of a hip-hop influence.
I have a ton of work due within the near future. A five page film paper and a project in design that is worth 40% of our grade are my big concerns at the moment. I just wish when I left class I was done. It's not a comfortable feeling knowing there's multiple things that I "should be doing."
Helping Out a Jock
Tonight at dinner, I find myself listening quietly to Rilo Kiley (this occurs often). Eating in the cafeteria at a table nearby, a jock begins to discuss with his girlfriend: "Do gay guys just start (begin stereotypical gay speak) talking like this(end stereotypical gay speak), or are they born that way? I mean, do they have to learn it? It'd be hard to learn to move your hands like this(waves hands about in a stereotypical feminine fashion) and (begin stereotypical gay speak) talk like this (end stereotypical gay speak)."
I do not become angry. He is not using voice inflections that imply hatred or disgust. Even his impersonations appear not to be malevolently mocking, but rather attempts to explain his ponderings to his girlfriend. I take off my headphones, smile and say "No, they do not begin to talk like that when they realize they're gay." He responds, "Oh, thanks... Wait so are they born like that?" I reply, "Well, some guys just speak that way. There are even some straight men that talk that way." Something finally connects, a dim light in the back of a hollow, cavernous structure. "Oh yeah, like Prof. Sorenson!" I put my headphones back on. Done eating, I leave my table.
I find myself listening quietly to Rilo Kiley, laughing not at the human condition like I usually find myself doing, but instead I'm smiling about the comedic ignorance of a particular curious human and the fact that there are many who wonder the same question. "So do they take classes? It sure would be hard to learn."
Apr. 6th, 2006 @ 08:19 pm
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| » Mediocre Post |
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Another sleepy post about a show that deserves more, but...oh well.
Just getting back into Closet Station from Dallas. Watched Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins; Jenny was so pretty in her vintage country dress. The three entered onto stage quietly singing "Run Devil Run," quite an enchanting entrance. And speaking of emotional tugging, Jenny made me all teary-eyed when she sang "Melt Your Heart," not that I'm surprised; I've become teary-eyed before just listening to it in front of the computer.
I'm fairly certain that at least part of the introducing band Whispertown 2000 was high. Can't tell whether I like them or not. At moments it seemed like the lead was less than intelligent and used her short shorts to get where she was, but then the next moment I was completely impressed with her voice and the melodies. Guess I'll just have to give them another listen to.
Ordered two burritos from Taco Bell. Ate one and realized I wasn't hungry for another one. When I started falling asleep on the road I had to eat the second to stay awake. Usually I have gum to mash on that helps me stay awake, but I'm out at the moment. If I had been thinking I would've stopped and picked some up... but I wasn't.
Time for bed. Have class in 7 hours. Zzzzz...
Mar. 30th, 2006 @ 02:06 am
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| » Procrastination Strikes Again! |
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As usual I procrastinated and finished my paper at the last minute. Luckily I had time to proofread for grammar and spelling mistakes. Sadly I realized I made the classic mistake of stating the theme as greed and over importance of money, instead of stating something about reciprocity or some such proper bull shit. Didn't really have time to go back and fix it, so hope she doesn't notice. She's fairly scatter-brained, so I have that going for me.
Further procrastination: Didn't start studying for my psychology test until after classes yesterday. In other words, it wasn't until after classes the day before the exam I realized I hadn't even read/highlighted 2.5 of the 6 chapters covered. After rushing through the chapters I ended up falling asleep involuntarily. It was sorta funny waking up on the edge of my bed in the standard on-your-back sleeping position, looking over to see my notebook seemingly crowding me out of my own bed. Upon attempts to recall, I fail to remember how I ended up like that. Then again, sometimes it just happens, waking up in positions and not sure quite of how I got there...
Luckily in REM sleep there's something going on up in there, so at 6:30 I suddenly awoke... which was good considering I never set my alarm.
Instantaneously began the cramming process. Had to get to my 9:35 hort class. Plan: Get there early and ask teacher if I could be excused b/c I fell asleep while attempting to study. Occurrence: Get to hort building late, drenched (yes, even the soggy shoes, egads, the soggy shoes). Skip class to study.
Luckily, I think it paid off. Pretty confident I did well.
And in conclusion...
JENNY JENNY JENNY JENNY JENNY JENNY JENNY JENNY (tomorrow)
Mar. 28th, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
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